The Gift You Give
One day I wondered, why have I been so depressed all my life?
So I cried out to God, why have you abandoned me so and why have you forsaken me so? Why have you stricken me with this super-dark and ultra-heavy curse, why have you done this to me? Did you not after all create me, do you not make all things be as they are, do you not sustain all things?
And then he spoke to me in my spirit, and he told me, Damon you have never been depressed.
So I angrily said, what the hell do you mean I have never been depressed, how could you say that to me, are you not God, can’t you see?
And He said to me again, Damon you have never been depressed, never.
I got so mad I said, well then you can kiss my ass too just like all the rest of them.
He said to me, see that is the problem. I told you, you have never really been depressed.
So as I walked away I was thinking, this asshole walked away from me too, just like everyone else, so I’ll show him how it feels, I’m gonna keep walking. I am outta here.
Then He spoke to my spirit again and said, Damon you have never been depressed, you have always been oppressed though, and that is not what I want for you, or have ever wanted for you.
I said, well then you must not really be God if you cannot get what you really want.
And he frantically said, wait a minute Damon, wait a minute, I want to give you a gift. I want to give a gift that I try to give to everyone, the same gift that I have for everyone, I want to give it to you.
I said , no one gives me gifts, that crap is for kids who still believe in Santa Claus.
Not so fast Damon, no so fast. I want you to have my gift.
So I said, OK what the hell is it, tell me, and I’ll let you know if I want your damn gift.
He said, the gift I am going to give you, the one I have been trying to give you, that gift is my Freedom and my Grace. That you are Free to do what ever it is you want to do, and I really mean free to do what ever it is you want to do, whatever it is you decide to do with my freedom, no matter what it is, I will still love you. But here is all I ask of you. I want you to use my gift of Freedom and Unconditional Love, I want you to use it for good, I want you to use it for me, and I want you to finally be able to love yourself as much as I love you.
And I could not help but cry, and I told God, all I ever wanted was to be loved unconditionally, to not have to earn someones love. And this gift of yours sounds just like what I have always wanted, what I have always needed really, but how can I believe you. The only ones who’s love I never had to deserve was the love from all the dogs I have had in my life. And he said, oh Damon, that is not true.
If you will not love me regardless, I said, well then I am out of here. We will see if you’re a liar or not. but I know you’ll be just like everyone else. So I am gone, I don’t need you or your stupid gift.
Then he said, OK Damon but just know this, I’ll be here waiting for you if you ever need me or want to come back to me. I’ll be here, still loving you, just as much as I always have and always will.
I scoffed as I walked away and thought, some people just have all the nerve. Everyone must think I am stupid, but I’m not really. How come nobody can see, this I wondered.
I soon realized I was still very depressed. And it went on and on and on. And then I heard that voice in my Spirit again, and it said, now that there is no one left in your life to oppress you anymore, why do you oppress yourself? He said, you need to be kind to yourself and love yourself, you need to love yourself as much as I love you, I told you that you need this. That is the Gift I tried to give you, my Freedom and Grace.
I said, well in a way God, I have been free for a while now. Since she died I do not have to try to make anyone happy anymore. But for some unknown reason, even though I try really hard, I can’t even make my own-self happy, and I don’t understand why. I’m guess I am just such a looser like that.
And that voice in my spirit gasp, as if He could not breathe for a second. Then he said, that’s not true Damon. You’re not a looser. Who told you that you’re a looser, he asked. I had not been angry in awhile, so I thought, but that made me mad again. Reflexively I said, just shut up already OK.
He said I am not going to shut up this time Damon, I cannot shut up this time, because I love you and you need my gift, you really need my gift, you need it really badly.
So I thought to myself, wait a minute, what was that gift he said he would give me anyway, I don’t remember.
Just then God spoke to my spirit again and told me, It’s my freedom and grace. My gift is my freedom and my grace Damon. But you would not take it even though I have always wanted to give it to you.